Protected: Tick tick tick my time is up…

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Curves in all the right places ;)

I heard this on my ipod today while working out and thought I would share it with everyone, I love the video makes me want to dance around in the street too   hope it brightens up your day

Tenacioulsy yours,

Jenny

Protected: a clear mind?

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Protected: I am half asleep but…I cant help think about this.

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Congrats to me: on not eating a whole tub of icecream…not really

Well yesterday was ……interesting. I stayed on track, ate the right amount of points, I finallllly went to the gym and felt great afterwards. Then some weird messed up twist of fate  happened and there went the great mood and the positive outlook. Afterwards  I went downstaris in a huff and knew exactly what I had my eyes set on. two words….ICE CREAM… cream being the key word here, not frozen yogurt , or shit that looks like ice cream but tastes like frozen water. No the real deal. The “I’m going straight to your hips” stuff. yup.

Bryers double (not just single) churn, full cream , ice cream. Vanilla. mmmmmmmm

So there I was full steam ahead with the full intention of drowning my weird feelings in creamy goodness. Here is the part where I should say , but then I had a strange sense of will power like I had come over with wonder woman strength, and thought about my goals and why I was being healthy and why I wanted to eat ice cream at 1 in the morning instead of deal with my emotions properly ,and that I sat face to face looking at the ice cream and then decided that it wasn’t worth it………mmmmm nope….. alas it was gone.

I would like to think that thats how I would have reacted though. Really when I thought about it after, I was annoyed at first but then very thankful. I know that , that emotional over eating mode that I was in would not have only been detrimental to my weight loss but also to my ego, to my hope and tenacious additude. Thats the worst part, disapointing yourself.

I know there are times when I am going to want to have ice cream, and I will but I know it should be a conscious decision where I know how much im having and plan for it in a way so that I enjoy the ice cream, for the sake of the ice cream, not as a way to feel better about something that cant be fixed by ice cream.

Emotional eating is something I have always struggeled with, when I was in england and I was stressed out from school or lonely and home sick nothing made me feel better then a bag of chips a coke and a good movie, by the time the bag of chips was almost done I usually felt kinda sick  and kinda guilty but at least I wasn’t feeling lonely or sad.

I dont know why its so easy to turn to food, I know that doing some yoga or going for a walk, or talking to a friend , often makes me feel better. Its something else, its like this rebellion within me, when Im angry or upset about something I almost feel like eating something bad is saying “screw you” world, I just don’t care. It dosen’t make sense because I’m the only one effected by my choice but somewhere deep inside it feels good, then later bad, but at that moment good. Thats messed up I know, and I dont quite understand it myself.

Does anyone out there ever feel like this? Any ideas on how to cope?

Oh P.s I weighed in today at weight wathers and Im down 1.2 pounds ,yay! It’s coming off very slowwww, but as I said before one of my goals right now is at least to always be down, not up every week.

Not sure if creamy goodness would have been as happy for me or even let me have this satisfation, probably not…. I am thankful

P.P.S I found this  for the ice cream lovers out there….some tips of which is best choice calorie wise :

http://www.prevention.com/400calorieicecream/index.html

Thanks for reading!

Tenaciously yours,

-Jenny

My computer told me that it has a problem, it’s Fat32????

No joke! I turned on my computer to write about my inspiring morning and how motivated I was to hit the gym and my computer had an error message and wouldn’t start, it said that it has a problem with file FAT32.

At first I read it over, was I just seeing things? Nope , no it was true. I laughed out loud and looked around as if I was waiting for Ashtun Kutcher to jump out from behind my kitchen table and say ” haha” you have been punked. I admit it wouldnt have been the best prank ever, but pretty funny. I am not computer inclined so I guess I will never know what my computer was trying to tell me.  Maybe it needs help too, maybe all this heavy writing about weight issues has made it realize that it also has issues of its own and today it decided to confess them to me. I guess I will have to wait and see.

Anyways,

So I woke up today in a greattttt mood , just happy and energized which is a big difference from last night, I felt more like warmed over death. I was even dancing around  while making breakfast with charlie to some old 80′s dance music, he likes to dance too!!  Oh charlie is my puppy  he makes me smile every day when I wake up, he’s a teacup yorkie

So after the danceing, I got up had a quick shower and put my gym clothes on right away I decided last night that I was going to go to the gym in the morning befor I get into the studying and feel so tired and blah to go. I have to make it a priority no matter what is happening.

The reason I have prety much stoped going to the gym is because I have been studying alot and that is always my excuse. I always tell myself I dont have time, I need to study Im soooooo stressed out, and yet instead I waste time doing something else like facebook, or going to a movie .  There was a point where I enjoyed working out so much that I craved it, if I didnt do it for a few days I missed that high that I would get after, where I feel like a million bucks and like I could conquer the world. After working out I feel so good about my body like I’m strong, toned, sexy, and kinda tom boyish and sporty.

I love feeling like that because when I was  growing up  I was never a sports inclined girl, especially not in highschool. I was unfit to say the least and those days that we would go running in gym class I was always one of the last few girls to finish.  I was always part of defence when we played soccer or football. I never got the winning goal or made a really great steal.

I was more of the girly type, or at least that was my excuse. I liked makeup and dressing up, shopping. I wasnt about to go play baseball on a saturday afternoon, no I would rather have spent it at the mall, or hanging out around the town going to starbucks and going out for lunch. Suprisingly not much has changed from that mentality. Being active is something I have to plan for I have to “make time for” its more of the exception then the rule.

It shoudlnt be like that. I do honeslty wish I was more active in a day to day way, I think thats the only way once people are at thier goal weight, that they keep it off. They are just always moving not because they have to because its just part of thier lifestyle, and they enjoy it.

Its not that I dont enjoy being active, I do, emensley. I went away a few weeks ago to Banff Calgary, and we were doing active things pretty much all day. Canoeing, horse back riding, hiking, walking, biking, swiming probably the most fun I have had all summer.  These types of activity I love. I also just ordered a really cute bike I cant wait until it arrives!!!!!I am going to get a little basket in the front of it for charlie to sit in.

For me I think its important for me to have fun while Im being active. There is nothing worse then feeling like I did in highscool. I hated that feeling. I am a competitive person, but for some reason competition in my phsycial life , discourages me more then anything. I’m not sure why, maybe because I feel like I will always be last?  When I work out on my own , and just do physical activity that isnt competitive I feel good about myself and I think thats the important part just to enjoy what your doing, break a good sweat, be consistent and improve on your own abilities, not compare them to the athlete next to you at the gym.

Well I’ll leave you with that, any suggestions about  getting and staying in that being active mentality  or getting motivated would be great

Thanks for reading,

Tenaciously yours,

-Jenny

te⋅na⋅cious[tuh-ney-shuhs]

–adjective

1.	holding fast; characterized by keeping a firm hold (often fol. by of): a tenacious grip on my arm; tenacious of old habits.

2.	highly retentive: a tenacious memory.

3.	pertinacious, persistent, stubborn, or obstinate.

4.	adhesive or sticky; viscous or glutinous.

5.	holding together; cohesive; not easily pulled asunder; tough.

There we go, now that’s a definition. Well sort of a “working definition” meaning I am working towards being more tenacious. To be persistent, not being easily swayed or pulled off track, in life ,but most of all for the purpose of this blog, in my weight loss journey. I’m Jenny by the way

My weight has been an issue ever since puberty hit around the age of 10. Before that as a little girl I was so proud and uninhibited of my body believe it or not I would wear my bathing suit 24/7 even in the winter months, yes I would play in our home in Newfoundland in the middle of bitterly cold winter in my red little polka-dot bikini. My parents have the pictures to prove it. I knew nothing of the world of weight, body image, being chubby, being thin, being self conscious or unhappy with how I looked.

In all the Disney movies all the fairy tale princesses were always skinny and flawlessly beautiful floating around in their happily ever after. I was the kind of little girl who was constantly dreaming of the day I would meet my prince, and did honestly believe, whole heartedly that life was like those Disney fairytales. My parents seemed to be that way, my father was very adoring towards my mother and I admired my mom and thought she was the most beautiful woman; I wanted to look just like her. In my eyes she was perfect with her long black hair, gorgeous smile, loving eyes, I never thought of her as over weight and never knew anything of the fact that she had struggled with her weight her whole life, and was always considered over weight.

Have you ever seen a baby that thinks shes a super model? well here it is people…yes that was me…

I remember kids in the playground and at school making fun of other kids who were a bit chubby and I always felt really bad for them, but I was never made fun of . Until one day on the way to school some kids saw my mom dropping me off at the bus stop and when I got on they said “ your mom is so fat!” It was like a knife had ripped through my heart, “fat” my mother, the one woman I looked up to, and the one I wanted to be just like. I cried all the way to school. When I got home I was still upset and my mom asked me what was wrong I couldn’t bring myself to tell her, to say those words. I told her eventually after a lot of tears and when I did I felt like I was telling her the most hurtful thing in the world. My mom reassured me that it was ok, that those kids were just kids and that she wasn’t hurt or upset by those comments and that I shouldn’t be either.

Not sure where I was going with this long drawn out story, but basically I know personally that weight has a lot to do with the psychological. There are a lot of other childhood memories after this that still stand out in my mind and were emotional. (like the time I was being fitted as a flower girl at the age of 11 and had my measurements being compared to my thinner cousin) We learn things about body image as a child (and adult) that can either be very detrimental or beneficial. I think my learning process was some of both. I still haven’t quite figured it all out ( or any of it), its more of a random jig saw puzzle then anything, but Im hoping to do some of that here and to get a kind of release and lots of support because I think there is noting worse then feeling like your alone in all of our complicated messed up problems.

As I said I have been struggling with my weight issues since I was 11 and have gained and lost weight many times. The last time I gained the most was when I was living in England for three years going to law school, I was at my highest. I came home and my family was shocked. I didn’t see much of a difference myself except that my clothes were not fitting but I guess I had grown accustomed to slowing growing bigger and bigger over time, and I had forgotten what it was like just to be over weight or chubby instead of obese.

Since being back I have been a lot healthier, joined a gym, reading all sorts of healthy lifestyle books and joining different weight loss programs. In the last year and a bit I have lost 40 pounds. Currently I am on weight watchers, I was on it before and lost 25 pounds. Its coming off slowly, but my goal right now is to at least always be down on the scale every week, and as for exercising right now it’s a bit non existent but I am going to get back into the full swing of it.

I found so many of the other bloggers I have read be to so courageous. To just put your self out there and not care about being judged, your weight ( the actual number)  is there for the whole world to see, and some even have pictures of those selves, like on the biggest loser. I wish I was that courageous and I think I need to be, but again I think I still have that feeling like when I was little part of me dosent want to admit that I am over weight , that I am … dare I even think the word “fat”. To even type that out hurts a lot. I have to get over that, I think part of the solution is accepting the problem completely and not be ashamed so that you can get the help you need.

Its comforting  to read all the funny inspiring stories and know that there are other people out there like me, just trying every day to make it work. It is a struggle, a battel and everyday you have to commit to it again and again. To exercise, to restrict what your eating, to not eat a whole tub of ice cream, to be positive, to not rebel against a healthy life style, to stay positive and motivated. To be conscious of what you are eating. Why your eating.

So my current goals are

1. to stick to weight watchers hardcore
2. to exercise at least three times a week, at least 30 mins of cardio and 30 minutes of weight training
3. to log my food and (weight) on here…..hopefully work up the courage to put my weight on here  when I get a big more comfortable
4. to be TENACIOUS about being healthy , stick to it no matter what,  no more falling off the wagon down the hill into the river at the bottom of the hill and slowing drifting down the river. If I fall off the wagon just going to start running and jump back on that wagon, immediately!!!

So maybe I can hear from some of you out there. How was it when you first started blogging, was there that fear of being judged? Did anyone or does anyone have the problem of denial?? Hope to hear from you soon!

Thanks for reading!

Tenaciously yours,

-Jenny